Finding Hope Through God

As an 18-year-old boy, I dreamt of a life filled with money, luxury cars, nice clothes, a beautiful home, and a beautiful woman. If those boxes were checked, then I would have made it—like baking a cake, it was a simple recipe for happiness.

Fast forward to my 20s. I woke up in a luxury hotel suite in New York City; next to me was a charming and beautiful TV actress. We had flown in from Dallas for this luxurious vacation. 

As most tourists do, we went shopping, ice skating at Rockefeller Center, attended Broadway shows and dined at some of the best restaurants in the world. After a busy day of fun in NYC, we would sit at the bar at the Plaza and sip red wine. We’d cuddle in bed, enjoying room service late into the night.

It was very intoxicating—the wealth, the electricity of the city, and the company of a beautiful and successful woman.

Yet I was completely empty inside. That escapade in NYC should have been a dream come true, but it was my spiritual rock bottom, the culmination of my misguided quest for happiness and peace through constantly yearning and striving for more, for bigger and better things. The truth is, it was underwhelming and empty.

Fast forward again to 41. I've been in federal prison for more than a decade, which quite honestly feels like a lifetime. I'm serving a 30-year federal prison sentence without the possibility of parole. 

I lost my mother to a sudden death. I've had very little contact with the outside world—very little human contact at all. I'm basically serving my time alone.

While others advance their careers, get married and have children, I’m isolated in prison, living a bare existence, following the same routine day in and day out, year after year, with no end in sight.

However, it’s not as bleak as it sounds, for I’ve unlocked something very powerful. This is my spiritual and emotional high. I've never felt better. 

Confused? I bet. If the two-week stay at the Plaza was the valley, then this is the peak.

Here’s my journey from a spiritually bankrupt man who unsuccessfully chased happiness to a renewed man of substance, full of joy, hope and gratitude; one who welcomes each day. The power of God and His grace transformed me. I only wish I had unlocked His power sooner. 

WEIRD GOD PEOPLE

My dad was an alcoholic. But around age 30, he "found God," and got sober. Once his life became centered on the church, he tried to explain Jesus, Heaven and Hell to me.  All of a sudden, he had all these absurd rules I had to follow whenever I visited him: no country music, Halloween was evil and couldn’t be celebrated, etc. Plus, we had to attend church all the time. I rejected all of his beliefs and couldn’t wait to get out of there. Not a single word I heard ever touched my heart. I wasn't an atheist. I believed in God. But when it came down to it, I was antagonistic and mocked Christianity. 

Much later in life, I learned that I had really misunderstood Christianity. It's not about some empty religious routine or living a boring life, and certainly not about a once-a-week church service. I learned about the practical significance of Christianity and the healing power of the Holy Spirit through God, and I saw it in a new light. It became real to me. And through my daily investment in the Word of God I reap the fruits of it. 

THE CATALYST: GOD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKEN HEARTED

God knew the only way I would listen is to completely break me down, and so He did.

About seven years into my 30-year sentence, the Chaplin told me that my mom had suddenly died. There is no mourning in prison—no crying, no grieving. No hugs. Nothing. You suck it up. You leave the Chaplin's office, and you get on with prison life. You bury any reaction—yes, even to your mother's death. Prison isn't just physical isolation; it's emotional isolation as well.

After my arrest, my mother was so brokenhearted, she refused to talk to me.  I was tormented by the fear that my mom could die before I could make things right. I never saw her again. It consumed me every single day in prison, and I lived with constant regret. She was the one person in my life who previously had my back, no matter what. My mother was relatively young, in her fifties, when she passed away. Getting the news that she had died was the nail in my spirit's coffin.

I went into an emotional and psychological tailspin. I lost about 40 pounds. I stopped working out. I stopped going outside, period. I stopped studying and reading. I stopped eating. I started to spit up blood. 

I was already floating through prison life on autopilot, callous and detached. The negative psychological effects of a 30-year prison sentence (without parole) cannot be discounted. There was no future to look forward to. A 5-10-year sentence is still tough, but there is daylight. A prisoner can make it through because he can think about his release and dream about what his life will be like. The psychology of a long prison sentence is different, with no end in sight. The harsh reality of my situation robbed me of all hope, reducing me to a miserable existence.

My time in prison was plagued by chronic fatigue, weighed down by extreme loss. I had to will myself to maintain my fitness routine. I loathed getting out of bed and despised the long days of prison life. I was so utterly miserable, bitter and hopeless—and I was so, so tired...all the time. 

Losing my mother opened an entirely new dimension of misery I didn't know existed. I was awash in regret and overwhelmed by despair. 

My already crushed spirit was annihilated.

A BLESSING IN DISGUISE: THE HOLE

A random drug test became a blessing in disguise. I tested positive for suboxone. After my mom died, I turned to suboxone, a synthetic opioid like methadone. It was so convenient to use to escape the day. It numbed all feelings and became my emotional armor. I became addicted and was trapped in a prison within a prison.

And then the positive drug test. Off to solitary confinement I went.

If day one of withdrawals was hell, then day three was a special kind of hell for a special kind of evil, as were days 10,15, 20, 30 and 40!

Trying to kick suboxone literally feels like you’re dying. Depression doesn't come close to describing it. It feels like your soul is gone. You don’t produce any dopamine, the happy hormone, at all. One of the worst things about withdrawal is that you don't sleep. I didn’t sleep for about 30 days. 

I spent Christmas and New Year's Eve in the hole, withdrawing. The prison does not provide any medication to combat the perils of extreme withdrawals or to mitigate the suffering. Suck it up. So what if I died because of a seizure brought on from withdrawals? Death would have been sweet relief at that point.

MY LIFELINE: TONY EVANS AND ROBERT JEFFRESS

The local Christian talk radio station plays sermons from two local preachers, Robert Jeffress and Tony Evans. During my time in solitary confinement, I listened to them almost every night. I clung to their sermons, as I sat locked in a tiny cell with only a toilet and a steel bed, withdrawing. I had a bone-dry spiritual tank, but little by little, night after night, these preachers would fill it.

I emerged from the hole sober, but not recovered. My dopamine and energy were slowly coming back. I've never experienced a drug that can affect you like that—60 days later. No wonder people can't kick it. But after having a taste of Tony Evans’ and Robert Jeffress’ compelling sermons, I wanted more. For the first time in my life, God had penetrated my heart. “This is new”, I thought. A seed had been planted, and I heard the Word of God for the first time in my life. Still, I was skeptical. These radio sermons were my lifeline in solitary confinement, but I would make them the catalyst for change. 

RENEWING MY MIND

I decided to try something radical to renew my mind. I had a choice: I could continue to be bitter and full of rage, and I could continue the futile quest to escape those emotions and my reality through alcohol, suboxone and gambling. I could continue to be overwhelmed by hopeless circumstances and respond in other destructive ways, or… I could feed my mind with good things. Darkness cannot exist where there is light. So, I was going to renew my mind and fill it with the Word of God.

A prisoner finds God—cue the eye roll.  Big surprise, right? Make no mistake: federal prison is not short on opportunities. No matter what you want, you can have. There are plenty of things to keep you busy—alcohol, drugs, gambling and more. There are plenty of mental escapes and ways to kill time.

Well, I had to force myself to renew my mind and I had to force myself to pray. It felt strange and unnatural. Me...pray?  Me...a God person? For the record, I did not enter this endeavor with faith or optimism. Even though something powerful had been stirred inside me, I expected it to be a waste of time. But I wanted to see what would happen if I fully committed and fanned the ember that had been lit. Then, at least, I could say that I tried. If it didn’t work, I could drown myself in sorrow, self-pity, alcohol and drugs.

But when I unlocked the healing power of the Word of God, everything changed. My circumstances didn't change, but my heart did through God's grace and my daily striving to follow God's will. I learned so much every day by reading His word. Before, nobody had ever explained the practical benefits of God's word, but instead just told me I needed to go to church, or I’d go to Hell. That’s why it never clicked for me.

THE HEALING POWER OF GOD'S WORD

I learned that Christianity is not some boring ritual. The words leapt off the page and into my heart, teaching me how to be a better man and how to handle life. I soaked it up like a sponge. It blew my mind that something previously so boring to me was suddenly of such interest. It nourished me, feeding my soul and lifting my spirit. I felt full of hope as I prayed and felt anxiety melt away. It was a balm for my heart, soul and spirit.  

The bible teaches about everything—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, and so on. It's the ultimate self-help book. I need it all. It teaches about not holding onto grudges, and how unforgiveness is like drinking poison. I need that reminder. It teaches how to handle stress, anxiety, and worry. (I had no idea that worry was a sin.) I'll take some of that. 

It teaches about peace and contentment. Yes, please! It teaches how to be softhearted and kind. I need that, too. I can be a real jerk at times and am prone to wallowing in self-pity. It teaches how to handle adversity. In short, it is the ultimate practical guide for a life of significance and meaning— it’s not some boring book. I need all that it teaches. 

People are empty shells. They can be filled with worry, doubt, bitterness, greed, strife, addictions, and more. Or they can be filled with peace, hope, forgiveness, gentleness and more. I want to fill my mind with good things so that I can be a blessing to people. But it starts with a daily investment building a relationship with God through His word. I pray in the morning, throughout the day, and at night—I pray about everything. I used to make fun of people who prayed like that. 

The Bible says to have a shameless persistence in asking for blessings, and so I do. I ask that God blesses my legal efforts to get out of prison. Everything can change in a day. A sudden reversal of fortune is possible with God. Joseph was sitting in a pit of a prison with no hope in sight one day and the next he was second in charge of all of Egypt—that is what God can do in a day. Like Joseph, federal prison is a detour for me, but not my end. I've seen many of my prayers answered. I've seen God make rivers in the desert. I'm in prison, a desert. He has blessed me. He has brought incredible people to me and other opportunities that I cannot comprehend. God is here with me now, helping me get through, until he blesses me with my release. He has done so much that I cannot begin to detail it all. Implausible prayers have been answered. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. What a great feeling.

SPIRITUAL ARMOR

In prison, addiction was a powerful force that had captured me. It was my answer to the misery of prison, my mental and emotional escape. It whispered in my ear that I was alone in prison, forgotten, that I'd be an old man when I get out (if my health held over three decades); that I have only the same mind-numbing, empty prison routine to look forward to for the next three decades. I would wake up, look around and hate my reality. I'm surrounded by loud, obnoxious men. The noise is unbearable.  

And I bought into the lies, hook, line, and sinker. I needed suboxone or alcohol to survive emotionally. The all-consuming addiction was the only thing I looked forward to. “How did I ever endure the daily grind of prison life without it?” I thought. I tried to escape it, but it was impossible. I couldn’t imagine my time in prison without it.

And—just like that, poof. Those addictions that consumed me for so long vanished like a cloud of smoke. They just left my body and mind. Daily I am bombarded by people peddling alcohol and drugs. But it has no effect on me anymore; the urge to use is completely gone. 

The fatigue that plagued me for years was replaced with a tireless energy. I suffered from extreme fatigue for years—and now I wake up with boundless energy. I have a new strength, fresh eyes, and a heart that overflows with hope for the future. I am 41 and never felt this good. I have pure joy, my circumstances notwithstanding. God will pave a way for my release. He will change the heart of the right person. I do my part of course, but I pray for a Clemency grant throughout the day, reminding God of his promises.

A DAILY INVESTMENT

I've learned that Christianity isn’t about attending church every week, an empty religious routine, nor about amassing knowledge of the bible. It is about a daily investment in feeding on the Word of God. It is about allowing the Word of God to take root in your heart so that it will sustain you and provide you with the strength you need to live a blessed life—so that you can be a blessing to others.  

I'm a bit of a health nut. When I want to shape my body a certain way, I map out a meticulous diet and exercise plan. I also invest time to work out. If I do this, then I will get transformative results. When I want to deepen and grow my intellect, I make it a point to carve out time to learn about different subjects. 

The spirit and soul are no different. I must invest daily time in it. Like my diet and fitness plan, I get back what I put in. I must take in the Word of God and apply it to my life and feed on it. I give thanks to God throughout the day. When I pray, I talk to God. I don't do some empty prayer. I lay it all on the line. I pray for the people close to me. I cast my cares and worries and doubt and anxieties onto God. I devote 30 minutes to an hour daily either listening to the preachers I found on the radio or reading their books. And those words are life, life that flows through me from a wellspring that is the Word of God.

LOOKING FORWARD TO A NEW LIFE WITH A SOLID FOUNDATION

There's nothing wrong with money. I want a nice home, nice furniture and nice clothes. I will never be shamed into living like an old miser. But it won’t be my source of joy and happiness. It won’t dominate me. I want a loving relationship with a beautiful, pure woman who enriches my life. But my happiness won’t be solely tied to those things either. I want to have a strong foundation based on Christian principles so that I can enjoy money, vacations, a nice home and a lovely wife—so that I can be a blessing to those around me. That's what I want to be—a blessing to others. If, however, the foundation is rotten, then those things will only bring temporary happiness and will ultimately fail me.

Life is full of adversity. And when that inevitable storm comes, I can either be blown away like a straw house without a strong foundation or I can absorb the storm because of the foundation that I've already built.

With a solid foundation built on the Word of God, I can be a better friend, son, grandson, husband, boss, employee, dad, and so on. Now I've never been married, nor do I have kids, but I sure would like to someday. And when I do, I want to be a blessing to them.  

I wish everyone could unlock what I've unlocked. I can be in prison, but feel free; conversely, there are people on the outside who are free but are locked within their own personal prisons, like addiction, anxiety, grief, bitterness, or regret. These things enslave people. The point is, I have learned that I can be in the nicest suite at the nicest hotel in NYC with a beautiful actress and be miserable, and I can sit in a prison cell with no end in sight and be full of hope, joy, and peace. This is a golden lesson that I will never forget.

If a magic genie popped up right now and gave me two options: 1) I could leave prison immediately, with a gorgeous woman waiting outside in a nice car who would drive me to a beautiful home, but I had to erase my growth since I entered prison and instead, I had to have my old heart and old eyes. Or 2) I could stay in prison and serve out my 30-year sentence with who I am today, I would not think twice—I would absolutely stay put. I have indeed grown rich from my losses. And I would not trade the intangibles that I've acquired for anything in the world.

A FRESH PERSPECTIVE

Life is a matter of perspective.

One of my favorite Christmas movies is It's a Wonderful Life. The main character, George Bailey, is a struggling businessman who wants to end it all. As he's about to jump off a bridge, an angel appears. The angel takes George through his life, showing him what his loved one’s lives would have looked like had he never existed.

George got a second chance at life. He ran back to his life and all his family and friends with exhilarating joy. This hopeless man who was standing on a bridge about to kill himself suddenly had a heart overflowing with hope and gratitude.

Everything was the same, but his perspective changed. That is what the cleansing power of God's Word does. I can only imagine what a second chance at life would feel like. The hard times and adversity are what make life so beautiful. It's a life that is rendered beautiful by past suffering.  Suffering makes the good times so sweet, like a blue sky on a beautiful spring day following a bleak winter.